Orientation has been a roller coaster that was at times overwhelming, and at times underwhelming, but very powerful. Cool, that last sentence literally described a roller coaster after telling you it was a roller coaster...great start. We've shared vulnerability in telling our stories, sadness in reflecting on wealth distribution and spending on weapons, joy in dancing and singing during worship, pain in saying goodbye (again), excitement for the road ahead. Heady concepts of wealth, privilege, power analysis, and cultural deconstruction were discussed for hours. Surprisingly the talk on insurance and policies left me the most content. The more I tried to wrap my head around things, the less I wanted to, because, quite frankly, heads aren't very flexible.
Mostly I'm struggling with finding balance. We've spent so much time in reflection with such little action, but we're headed to a year of action which may leave little space for reflection. There is importance in both, but they can feel mutually exclusive. How do I live intentionally without losing the ability to release my inner monologue and live in the moment? Eventually I have to do something, but just thinking about things is so much safer. If I'm not doing something, who is?...or who will?...but am I doing the right thing? HOW DO I QUESTION MYSELF LESS? It's hard to convey laughter over the internet, but know I started chuckling after typing that last question.
Don't worry, I'm not questioning my YAGM service. I think I danced the craziest when we finished our sending ceremony last night, because I'm ready to take action. These are questions I'm trying to figure out for the future, to create a paradigm by which I have a consistency in interacting with the world. I'm at the beginning of an experiment. The issues must be raised and hard questions must be asked, but at times I've felt we've ended with so many questions I can't even remember where we started. Even as I ask these questions I have no answers for you because everything is so big, and I've only recently opened my eyes. I guess I'll just share a poem that brings me some comfort, and hopefully over the course of this yearlong journey following God's mission I will find some answers. If I do I will surely write about them.
Passover Remembered
Alla Bozarth-Campbell
Pack nothing.
Bring only your determination to serve
and your willingness to be free.
Don't wait for the bread to rise.
Take nourishment for the journey, but eat standing.
Be ready to move at a moment's notice.
Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind -
fear, silence, submission.
Only surrender to the need of the time -
love justice and walk humbly with your God.
Do not take time to explain to the neighbors.
Tell only a few good friends and family members.
Then begin quickly, before you have had time
to sing back into old slavery.
Set out in the dark.
I will send fire to warm and encourage you.
I will be with you in the fire, and I will be with you in the cloud.
You will learn to eat new food
and find refuge in new places.
I will give you dreams in the desert
to guide you safely to that place you have not yet seen.
The stories you tell one another around the fires in the dark
will make you strong and wise.
Outsiders will attack you, and some follow you
and at times you will get weary and turn on each other
from fear, fatigue and blind forgetfulness.
You have been preparing for this
for hundreds of years.
I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way
and to learn my ways more deeply.
Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings
that even your closest friends will have to learn your features
as though for the first time.
Some of you will not be changed at all.
Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves
and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth
who feel abandoned by you.
Some will find new friendships in unlikely faces,
and old true friends as faithful and true
as the pillar of God's flame.
Sing songs as you go,
and hold close together.
You may at times grow confused
and lose your way.
Continue to call each other by the names Ive given you
to help remember who you are.
Touch each other,
and keep telling the stories.
Make maps as you go,
remembering the way back from before you were born.
So you will be only the first of many waves
of deliverance on the desert seas.
It is the first of many beginnings -
your Paschaltide.
Remain true to the mystery.
Pass on the whole story.
Do not go back.
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