Patterns, Value, and Vulnerability

Yay birthday post! Okay enough tomfoolery, down to business.

For the uninitiated, I'll be going to South Africa to work for a year as a missionary with the Diakonia AIDS ministry. The program is run through the ELCA and is called Young Adults in Global Mission (YAGM). I'm kind of behind on blogging and I only know for sure I have unlimited internet for the next week, so I'll try to post once a day until I leave the US on August 22nd. This first post is dedicated to why I'm going. Next will be what I've been doing this summer. After that I'll probably post about arriving in Chicago. Then I'll post a little more about what I know of my mission and then a few more updates (hopefully with a picture from a Chicago ballpark!) Without further ado...my reflection on why I'm going:

There are three fundamental things which brought me to YAGM: patterns, value, and vulnerability. All of us establish patterns in our life: what we eat, who we eat with, where we go, how we greet each other, etc. My life as a Christian was guided by patterns. Worship is a highly patterned experience. I became good at going through the motions of memorizing various creeds, songs, Bible verses, etc. It was comforting, but empty. I had so many other patterns dominating my life from school to work to practice to friends, that my investment in faith rarely extended beyond the patterns of Sunday worship. I was out on a boat controlled by autopilot in the currents of life. Until recently, I didn't see the value of propelling my little boat of faith, of exploring my spirituality. Breaking my patterns.

An important concept in business is return on investment. Depending on the time/money/energy you put in, something of greater financial value should come out. Energy and resources spent on school should lead to greater opportunity for wealth down the line. A bank investing in oil should see the price of a barrel increase. Lobbying politicians should lead to more favorable legislation. The value I sought to extract from life conformed to these ideas in almost all I did. My investments sought the financial and achievement values of the traditional American experience. Even faith can have value for the wrong reasons. My faith has often had value for me in appeasing my parents, in volunteering to make me feel better about myself, or in praying for personal gain. All too frequently faith is used for persecution instead of freedom, barriers instead of bridges, and judgment instead of acceptance.

So where is the good news? You know, that little area of the sermon notes you had to fill in for confirmation? The good news is in change. It is in discernment; a conscious decision to commit to a different plan, to the plan laid out by Jesus. A plan greater than oneself, but that requires the presence of each individual to create the whole. This is the African concept of Ubuntu. Until recently, I haven't been fully present in my own life because I haven't been honest with who I am and what I want to accomplish. Thus, I have missed out on community. In fact, I think community is the biggest thing I'm missing and the biggest thing I crave. I am here because I've recognized that my value system was flawed. My patterns didn't involve listening with an open mind and sharing with an open heart. I didn't see the value in every person I met. I'm here to break my patterns and change my values by creating a community with each one of you and with the world at large.

This change fundamentally requires a commitment to vulnerability. Vulnerability is rooted in humility and sharing one's story, then receiving stories from others. In this definition of story, I mean everything. Not just the facts about addresses and accomplishments and jobs, but deeper: hopes, dreams, fears, failures, loves, everything. I've had a filter on my life that didn't allow me to give and share freely and it was suffocating. But it was safe, and I wasn't vulnerable...life was muted. I haven't opened myself to this until recently, so it is an ongoing endeavor. That's why I'm here.

I sincerely hope this post doesn't sound too critical, judgmental, or negative. For me, this post is the most hopeful I've been in quite sometime. Also, these are simply the conclusions I've reached for myself, and they require me to go on this mission trip at this point in my life. Every person comes to a different set of truths and conclusions with the information presented to them, and all are given different gifts to share with the world. I'm so thankful for the family and friends I've had accompanying me thus far, but a deeper, more global craving has awoken in my heart. I regret nothing in the past so long as I get to where I want in the future. Nothing that has happened in my life up to this point can be completely untangled from who I am, what I'm doing, and the motivations for such action. Know that you, dear reader, will be in my thoughts and prayers as I serve the community of Soweto, South Africa through the Diakonia AIDS ministry. Namaste.